Time
by Sparkie-43
Summary: Post Season 4 - Spoiler Warning When you're a kid you feel like somehow time is infinite. You feel that you will be a kid forever and that the idea of being a grownup in your thirties seems like a life time away. But its funny how when you grow up that time can pass in the blink of an eye.


**TITLE:** Time

**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own Veronica Mars or any of the characters created by Rob Thomas.

**Authors Note: **Spoilers for the season 4 finale. If you have not watched it yet please turn back now. This is may way of dealing with the ending.

When you're a kid you feel like somehow time is infinite. You feel that you will be a kid forever and that the idea of being a grownup in your thirties seems like a life time away. But its funny how when you grow up that time can pass in the blink of an eye and before you know it 20 years have come and gone. If I had known then what I know now, I would have paid more attention to every little moment and savoured each one.

20 years, that's how long Logan Echolls has been a part of my life. The first time I met Logan I was 12 years old, through my best friend Lily. Logan, Lily, Duncan, and I were inseparable. The Fab Four as Lily called us. God, what I would give to go back to that time before it all became so complicated.

16 years ago, Lily was murdered and my world was turned upside down. Logan became my enemy overnight, like so many people that I once called my friend. But it seems like Logan in particular made it his life's mission ensure I suffered. Like losing my best friend wasn't suffering enough. How little I knew back then about true pain. And then one day, I'm not sure exactly when, but things began to change. The boy that went out of his way to make my pay for his pain started to care. I started to see glimpses of the boy I remembered before Lily died. The boy I missed. The day he came to rescue at the Camelot Inn changed both our lives. There have been times over the years that I wished I'd never met Logan Echolls but I know that he has made my life infinitely better by being in it.

15 years since Logan first said those three little words that terrified me to my core. Logan and I were almost as dysfunction as he and Lily were, but that was because of my trust issues and let's face it, his anger issues. I think we were broken up more than we were actually together, but when it was good, damn it was good. Logan understood me more than anyone I think ever has and that scared me to death. Logan said that we were Epic. Spanning year and continents. Lives ruined, Bloodshed. God, I wish that he had been wrong because maybe then I wouldn't feel like half of me was missing. The best part of me.

14 years ago, I thought I had cut Logan out of my life for good. I thought then that he had hurt me more than he ever possibly could but I was wrong. Logan was also an all or nothing kind of guy and when he loved, he loved wholly, completely, with every part of his being. I loved him back then but something in me kept me from being honest about my feelings. So, when our relationship imploded for what felt like the thousandth time, I went for the safe option that was Piz. He was sweet and kind and attentive and didn't pose the risk of breaking my heart. It wasn't fair to Piz and that is something I will regret for the rest of my life. I eventually walked away from it all and transferred to Stanford for my Sophomore year doing what Logan always accused me of, running. At Stanford I could be someone else. Not the girl whose best friend was murdered. Not the girl whose father accused the wrong man. And not the girl who hurt the only person who ever loved the real her. I thought that if I pretended to be someone else, someone happy and easy going, then maybe one day I would become that person. I managed to live that way for almost a decade but it wasn't really living. How can It be when you not being true to yourself.

Then 5 years ago, I got a call that I wasn't expecting but would change the course of my life. Logan needed my help and even after 9 years of radio silence and relative normalcy I couldn't say no to him. The sound of his voice was enough to wake up a part of me I thought I had closed the door on long ago. Going back to Neptune was supposed to be a quick trip, in and out, help Logan find a lawyer and go back to my life in New York with Piz, but things with Logan are never that easy. And being in Neptune again, doing what I do best, sleuthing, made me realise that while on paper my life in New York was everything I had worked so hard for, it was a life I didn't want. It wasn't me, not the real me. Piz didn't get it. I'm not sure if anyone understood it really, other than Logan. Sometime I think Logan knew me better than I knew myself and that scared me but I was tired of being scared. And after 9 years I knew that not having Logan in my life, wasn't what I wanted. Logan, the new Logan, was someone that I couldn't imagine him being back when I first met him. He was someone better; stronger, kinder, more patient. Navy Lieutenant Logan Echolls was someone I couldn't imagine being prouder of.

It didn't take long for my time in Neptune to infiltrate what I thought was a perfect life. My relationship ended and my bright future went out the door along with it, or so my Dad might say. Me, I think I was finally admitting who I was and what I wanted. And part of that was Logan. Being with him again was like breathing. It made me feel things I hadn't felt since we were last together and it made me feel whole again. But it was short lived, 2 weeks of bliss before he was deployed. Not his first deployment but our first together. 180 days, it felt like it would never end but in hindsight it was a walk in the part.

5 years, that's how long Logan and I were in a committed relationship. We had made a home together, a life together. Even got a dog, Pony. Life was about as perfect as it could be, between Logan's deployments. Life with a naval intelligence officer was eventful. He could be deployed at a moments notice for an indeterminate amount of time. Sometimes days sometimes weeks. So much of me wishes that his last deployment kept him away longer but it didn't happen.

3 weeks, that how long it took me to realise that Logan's surprise marriage proposal wasn't the worst thing in the world. It took almost dying and a very vivid sex dream about an ex to make me see what I had right in front of me. The relief I felt when I woke up and knew that I hadn't cheated on Logan, that I hadn't hurt the one person I can't stand to hurt. I knew in that moment when I saw his smile that I would happily come home to that every day from the rest of my life.

2 days, that's how long our engagement lasted. Once I decided I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this incredible man it couldn't come soon enough. Talking about the future, would I take his name, would we have kids, it all would have terrified me before and 3 weeks ago it did. But Logan is everything I tried for so long to pretend I didn't want or need.

47 minutes, 2820 seconds, that how long I was a wife. How long I was Logan's wife. I thought we had a lifetime, but some asshole thought otherwise and took the one person I have loved with all my heart away from me on what should have been the happiest day of our lives. 47 minutes wasn't nearly enough time. 5 years together wasn't enough, 15 years loving him wasn't enough and 20 years knowing him certainly wasn't enough, when we had a life time in front of us. In one moment my world ended and I don't know how to go on without the love of my life. Without the man who had my heart.

2 weeks later Logan was buried with full honours by the Navy. I don't remember much, just my dad there holding me while the coffin holding what was left of Logan was lowered into the grave. I felt like I was watching it happen to someone else. How could this be the end? Logan said we were Epic. Epic isn't supposed to last just 47 minutes.

1 year. Its been 1 year and instead of celebrating our first wedding anniversary, I spent the day staring at a grave stone wishing it had all been a bad dream. I sat and talked to him like he was there. Like he could hear me. I told him about work, Dad, Pony, Wallace. Everything I could think of. Everything I wanted to tell him for so long. I told Logan about my plan to leave town. I know he would understand that I can't be here anymore without him and that I need to get away. Everywhere I look I'm reminded of him and I feel like I'm suffocating. He'd call it running away, but then he did always know me better than anyone. I may be running away but it's not like I have something to hold me here anymore. Logan's gone and I need to find a way to live in this world without the love of my life.

We truly were Epic. We spanned years, 2 decades to be exact. Continents, him more so than me during his deployments. Lives ruined, oh yes, they've been ruined. Bloodshed, if only I'd known how much so. And no matter that we have lost our future together, I know that for all the days where I struggle to get out of bed, that he's still with me. I think about the good times and the love that he always gave me. Complete. Unconditional. Epic.


End file.
